Introducing Toys Into Intimacy by Amari Seggs Coach and Educator

There is no single way to experience intimacy, and for many women who sleep with women, toys can add another layer of connection, curiosity, and pleasure. Whether you are in a long term relationship, newly dating, or exploring your sexuality for the first time, introducing toys does not need to feel intimidating or overly serious. At its best, it is simply another way to communicate, experiment, and enjoy one another. There are there to have fun, not to stress you out!!

Despite outdated assumptions, toys are not there to “replace” a partner. In reality, many people use them to enhance intimacy rather than compensate for something missing. Some couples/sexual partners enjoy the physical sensations toys can offer, while others appreciate the emotional openness that comes from trying something new together.

Toys can also help couples:

- Explore different types of stimulation

- Learn more about each other’s bodies

- Build confidence and communication

Add variety to familiar routines

Make pleasure more accessible for partners with different needs or sensitivities

For most people, toys are playful and exciting. For others, they can be deeply affirming, especially when exploring identity, desire, gender, sexuality or body confidence.

Starting the Conversation

The idea of bringing toys into the bedroom can feel vulnerable at first. The easiest approach is often the most relaxed one. Rather than framing it as a major discussion, treat it as an invitation to explore together.

You might say:

- “Would you ever want to try a toy together?”

- “I saw something that looked fun and thought of us.”

- “What kinds of things are you curious about?”

Keeping the conversation open and pressure free makes a big difference. Curiosity tends to work better than expectation.

Choosing the Right Toy

If you are both new to toys, start simple. There is no need to buy half the internet in one go. Many couples begin with:

- Bullet vibrators for external stimulation

- Wand massagers for broader, more powerful sensation

- Finger vibrators that feel less intimidating

- Strap ons for couples interested in penetration or role play

- Double ended toys designed for shared use

Material matters too. Body safe silicone is usually the best choice because it is non porous, soft, and easy to clean.

Shopping together can actually become part of the experience. Browsing online, reading reviews, and laughing at overly dramatic product descriptions can help ease nerves and build anticipation ;)

Communication Matters More Than Experience

There is a common misconception that queer women should automatically know what they are doing sexually. In reality, everyone’s preferences are different. Introducing toys is not about expertise. It is about paying attention to each other.

Check in regularly:

- Does this feel good?

- Softer or firmer?

- Faster or slower?

- Want to keep going or switch things up?

The more openly you communicate, the more relaxed and enjoyable the experience tends to become.

Not every toy will become a favourite, and not every experience will be mind blowing. Sometimes things are awkward. Sometimes batteries die at the worst possible moment. Sometimes you discover that something looked much better in theory than in practice.

That is normal!!

Approaching intimacy with humour and openness creates far more connection than trying to perform perfection.

Intimacy Looks Different for Everyone

For women loving women, intimacy often exists outside rigid expectations about what sex “should” look like. Toys can become part of that freedom. They are not rules, milestones, or requirements. They are simply tools for pleasure, connection, and self discovery.

The most important thing is not which toy you choose, but how safe, desired, and understood you both feel while exploring together.

My Personal Recs

As a sex coach and educator, it's to say I have tried A LOT of toys. Here are my top beginner-friendly picks (none are sponsored):

1. Lube - Googling lube at the age of 18, I picked the first one I could find and lucky me its the one I carried on using for the next 10 years!

2. Clit sucker - Still living at home or have roommates? Like having your clit sucked? Super quiet and super strong.